In the great debate between breast milk vs. formula, I am the mom very much in the middle.

I am in the “in between”. I choose the stance of “and” instead of “or” because I can attest to the fact that breast milk and formula are both incredible. I am the mom who has both breastfed and formula fed, and I want to share my hardships and experiences with both. 

I am the mother who, with baby #1, had no idea what she was doing. In all of my prenatal parenting classes, my midwives talked about how breastfeeding is this beautiful, natural thing that my body would just know how to do.

I remember being told that breast is best, and my body would produce milk and it would adjust to keep up with the demands of my baby. I couldn’t wait to walk around in a comfortable robe, nursing my newborn baby, and having that wonderful, natural bond that everyone talked about.

But that’s not how it happened for me.

I had a baby who was tongue tied, and couldn’t be seen to get a correction for six weeks. I had a baby who screamed the first week uncontrollably, and who ended up not only being colicky but also having a severe dairy allergy. Despite pediatrician visits, tongue tie revisions, and elimination diets, my baby could not tolerate my breast milk.

That natural, wonderful milk my body was producing was essentially poison to him.

I felt like a failure.

After his tongue tie was revised, he would nurse and I would hear the milk hit his stomach, and his stomach would gurgle. And he would pull away, and cry out in pain. He wanted nothing to do with it, because it pained him to drink it. And I could not handle the rejection of it all. I was desperate to do what was “best” for him. And I was tired. So very tired. From an unsatisfied baby who wouldn’t sleep, from trying to pump around the clock, from being stuck in the throes of the newborn haze.

Finally, after so many tears, and so much guilt, I broke down at my 6 week appointment in my midwife’s office. “But if I can’t nurse him, we won’t have a bond! And I can’t feed him formula, it’s not the best thing for him!”

And my midwife looked at me with pity in her eyes, and said

“Please just feed your baby. It does not matter what he eats, he just wants to be fed.”

And that right there, was the permission that I needed to let go.

To hang up my pump. To stop crying, and yelling, and being frustrated with my baby who was hungry but not for what I was killing myself to produce. To stop waking up every day and going to sleep each night feeling like a failure. Her permission to feed my baby formula was the first step in my journey to grieving the loss of my nursing relationship with my baby. It allowed me to start letting go of the mom guilt that plagued me.

But it wasn’t instant.

I felt like a complete failure, and I felt guilty and ashamed for a while afterwards. Every time I went to a mommy meetup and the mothers were nursing, I hid in shame while I pulled out a bottle and mixed it with formula. I felt the need to over explain my situation even though no one was asking. And I cried, a lot. But eventually, when we found the right formula for my son, it was like I had a brand new baby. He was happy, and I wasn’t stressed out, and I finally had the mother-baby relationship I was hoping for.

Nursing, to a degree, was causing us to have the opposite of a bonding experience.

I was stressed out, he could feel it, and it really put a dent in my first two months of motherhood. Switching over to formula was the key for us. I just needed the courage to let go. 

I was able to nurse my second son, although it still was difficult and painful. I have cry nursed, when the pain was so excruciating I wasn’t sure if I could keep it up anymore. I have used nipple shields and nipple creams and suffered through mastitis. I have had multiple visits to midwives and pediatricians, neither of which saw the tongue tie I knew in my heart was there. I have sat in the infant dental office, while my baby received a tongue tie  and lip tie correction. I have pumped, day and night, around the clock, to make sure I had enough sustenance for my baby. I have cried over spilled milk. I have stepped out of business meetings and into airport bathrooms and hotel rooms to pump. (It is no joke what we go through to keep up our supply and make sure our babies have what they need.)

But I have also felt the immense joys of nursing a baby.

I know what it is like to have a baby feel the most comfortable in my arms, because not only am I mama, but I am also the food supply. I loved feeling my son fall asleep on my chest, peacefully in his favorite place on Earth. I will always fondly remember sitting down in the rocking chair to nurse him, and feeling him go from frantically squirming for food to immediately relaxed once he began to drink. I loved watching him snuggle into the crook of my arm, feeling his pulse slow as he nursed himself to sleep. I loved stroking his fuzzy head in those quiet moments in the middle of the night that were reserved for just us two. I loved watching him get excited for food, and I remember the first time he did the sign for “milk” with his hands I cried. I love how empowered nursing made me feel, as I was able to feed my baby with my body. I absolutely loved being able to be his source of nourishment and comfort. I had a beautiful, incredible, and meaningful nursing relationship with my second son. But I definitely had to fight for it in the beginning, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. 

My nursing situations were both difficult, emotionally and physically. But it brought me to a place where I have seen both sides of the coin. I can now tell people the honest truth when they are having trouble nursing.

I like to tell moms that nursing isn’t easy and natural for everyone, that for some people, you really have to work for it. I can tell new moms that it’s Ok to hang up the pump if you’re ready. It’s Ok if you have to (or want to!) feed your baby formula. And I always tell them that babies just want to be fed.

I have seen friends go through tumultuous scenarios with their newborns, including dehydration, failure to thrive, and more, all for the sake of nursing.

Yes, nursing is a wonderful, incredible gift that we have to give our babies. But it is not the only way. Formula is a wonderful feat of science, people! I am 100% an advocate for there being more than one way to feed your baby. 

If you are going through nursing difficulties, please know that Corpus Christi has a wonderful chapter of La Leche League that can offer you assistance. You should also talk to your Pediatrician or a Lactation Consultant. But please also find someone you love and trust that you can talk through it with.

Sometimes we just need encouragement to keep going,

but other times we just need permission to quit.

And however you decide to feed your baby, they are going to turn out just fine.

Trust me.