Unconditional Love is for Crying Kids Too

You’re a mom, you’ve been there. No matter how much you swore your kid would never even cry in public, before you had kids.

Here you are, in the middle of the store, the mall, the park, etc., dealing with a full blown melt down. You can feel all the eyes on you.  Looks of judgement, of empathy, some even annoyed. You feel the pressure.

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Suddenly, you hear this stranger’s voice. “I’ll take him with me!” You are doing your best to keep your cool AND figure out what is the need that your kid is trying to communicate as he yells or cries or throws him/herself on the floor. You realize they are actually talking to you. “What’s that?” you ask confused. “I can take him with me!” Mmm. What?

How do you respond? I mean, they are obviously joking, or so you hope! What do they think that comment will accomplish? Do they think this is going to make your kid gain composure? You might argue that I’m making a big deal out of nothing but please, bear with me.

If you’ve been around kids any amount of time you know that they don’t miss a beat. They are always, always, always listening even if it sometimes doesn’t seem like it. My kids will repeat things I said when I thought they were too young to know what I was saying. All of a sudden, “bam!” there it is.

Now imagine this. You are 2, 3, 4 years old. You are tired, overwhelmed, or hungry.  Maybe, you were told “no” for what seems like the millionth time today, you don’t understand why you can’t have the thing you want SO badly or you’re simply having a bad day.

You don’t know how to label what you’re feeling, let alone put it into words to be able to communicate it to anybody. Words are something you just started using as a means of communication and, like a foreigner in a new country, your vocabulary is limited.

A rush of emotion fills your body and you let it out the best way you can at the time.

In the midst of all this mess that your body is going through, you turn to your protector, namely mom. You direct your rage, sadness, communication to her. She is making an effort to figure out how to help you through this without melting down herself. Then, you hear this stranger offer to take you with them. What? Why? And more importantly, how is my mom going to respond?

Now, mom, believe me, I get it, this is probably the last situation you want to deal with. It has crossed your mind to outsource this part of the gig. Can I just be in charge of the fun stuff? Unfortunately, not until we’re grandmothers! IT.IS.HARD but responding in any positive way to this question from a stranger can’t result in anything good. I can only imagine the distress and anguish it would cause a child to hear (even if it’s a joke, which I don’t think a kid that age and in that state can even understand) that their mom would let a stranger take them just because they are having a difficult time navigating their big feelings in this big world.

I’ve had this happen to me twice in the past couple of weeks.

I know that when my child is crying (and yes screaming) in public, it may look like I’m not doing anything. We have chosen a way of parenting that differs from telling them to “shut up” or threatening to punish them, but I AM trying to figure out how to meet the need they are communicating.

I AM letting them know that I love them even when they are having a hard time. Later, when they are able to hear me, I will explain that screaming is not how you communicate that you’re angry (even though many adults, including mommy, do it often.) I AM working hard to equip them with the right tools to express themselves.

 

However, I want them to know that I love them ALWAYS. That I would NEVER (not even jokingly) let anybody take them.

I want them to rest easy knowing that I am here unconditionally, no matter how difficult a time they are having.

I want to be the person they run to and not away from.  THIS is why I don’t mind making strangers feel awkward when I respond “No, thank you! We love him even when he’s crying/screaming/having a hard time!” I AM building the kind of relationship I want to have with my kids in the future, now.

After all, isn’t unconditional love and acceptance what we all need and want from the people closest to us?