To My Dearest Firstborn

To my dearest firstborn,

I thank God for you each and every day. You are one of, if not THE top blessing that has given meaning to my life. Before you, I had no idea my heart could physically ache from having so much love. Yes, I love your father,  your grandparents, and others, but loving someone who was created from your own body is a different kind of love. Becoming a mother also gave me a different responsibility when it comes to love. I am not only responsible to love you and your brother unconditionally, but I am also responsible for teaching you both how to love, providing a nurturing environment, and having you grow up into mentally, physically and spiritually healthy adults, all while leading by example.

This is where I want to apologize to you, my firstborn: I feel as though I have failed you.

You, being my firstborn, sets you apart. No other child, your little brother included, will ever have that title in our family. Only YOU.  This is a wonderful title, but I feel as though I have made it a burden on you. You see, you are my first for everything. You were the first person to know the sound of my heartbeat from the inside. Your birth was the first time in my life I couldn’t be selfish anymore and just think of me.  You were my first experience for having a newborn,  late, tiring nights with a colicky baby, potty training, the terrible twos, and starting school. The list goes on and on.

Every day is a first with you.

I have never had a 6 years, 11 months and 18 days old until today. And as much as I hate to admit it, you are my ongoing experiment. And, there are more times than I’d like to admit, I feel as though the experiment has gone awry. You see, by the time your brother has gotten to these stages, I will have already had some idea or experience on how to “deal” with these stages properly. But for you, my darling firstborn, I am taking it one day, one stage at a time, just praying and hoping I am doing at least a few things right. Besides my deep love for you, my greatest desire is to make sure I bring you up in the best way possible, with as little mistakes as possible. I do not want my parental inexperience or silly mistakes to keep you from becoming the great person God has created you to be.

I often wish, looking back, that when I became your mother, I was also given a life coach, someone who will be there next to me, assuring me that I am doing the “right” thing in every situation with you.  Yes, there are tons of parenting books out there, some of which I have purchased but never got around to opening, but most days, your mommy really wishes someone would be there holding my hand, feeding me all the loving, nurturing and caring things to say, keeping me from getting angry or yelling at you. I want someone telling me to remain calm and patient instead of flying off the handle too quickly when I get frustrated. Unfortunately, for you, this wasn’t the case and because of that, I’m sorry. Yes, there are many good times, where I actually did it the “right” way, but more times that I’d like to admit to, I feel as though I screwed up. If I could take back all the angry, hurtful remarks or actions, I would do it in an instant. It breaks my heart to think of the look on your face when I made you feel like a disappointment when instead of being happy you got an 85 on a test, I asked why you didn’t get an A; or those times you cried because you were scared of something I thought was ridiculous and I told you to “act like a big boy” instead of holding you and comforting you; or trusting you to do the right thing, even though you have never given me a reason not to; or those many times I focused on the negatives instead of all the wonderful qualities you possess. You are an amazing child and sometimes, I am too stupid to see it.

I’m not perfect, so why do I expect my firstborn to be?

This is one of the MANY things you, being the firstborn, have taught me.

Not one time in the last 6 years, 11 months and 18 days, have I ever NOT loved you. But DO YOU know that? Sometimes, I truly wonder. It has been more difficult for me to show you and spend the time doing so, now that you have a little brother who demands so much of my time. But, I want you to hear just a few of the MANY reasons I love you:

• You have a caring heart that never wants anyone to feel left out.
• You have a wonderful sense of humor and you make me laugh all the time.
• You are a dreamer and have an amazing imagination.
• You never give up, if it is something you want.
• You love me and show me grace, even when I probably don’t deserve it.
• You are a sweet, protective, and caring big brother.
• You have an inquisitive mind that always wants to know and learn about things.

These, with all your other marvelous qualities, will turn you into a successful, caring, and productive adult someday, as long as I nurture and protect them. Since I do not have the life coach, I mentioned above, I will pray each and every day (sometimes many times each day) that God will give the strength and guidance to do so.

Just reading this list makes me realize that you, my sweet boy – my firstborn – can teach me so much about love and life. I often forget that in the crazy, hectic, often times tiring, but oh, so rewarding day to day motions of my life. I am going to make a promise to you here and now, I will do my best to remember these qualities when I feel myself getting too agitated with you.

I will remind myself to offer you that same grace, kindness, and love you offer to me when I mess up.

I pray that you will always know how much I truly love you and that I always show you. You, being the firstborn, does sometimes carry a burden, but sweet, sweet boy, I thank God every day for you and know that He gave me you FIRST for a reason.

With all my love,

Mommy

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