Our Journey Through Secondary Infertility {Finding Peace in the Process}

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Unsung Lullabies- Infertility Awareness 2016- Corpus Christi Moms Blog

I had my first child when I was very young. Eighteen and a half years old to be exact. With all honesty, this was long before I really wanted, or was ready, to start a family. He came within our first year of marriage and I was terrified. When he was born though, it was only a matter of moments before I knew this little bundle now held my heart. I wouldn’t have traded him for anything in the world. Matter-of-fact, he became my world.

Life brought to me two more blessings. A pink bundle and another blue bundle. While all three pregnancies went well for the most part, and I only had a few minor complications throughout them, the third one was uniquely special, unlike the others. This pregnancy was supposed to bring with it two babies. Yes, twins! Early on though, the second baby just disappeared. The doctor explained to me that my body had absorbed the little blessing. I had one sonogram picture for a memory.  It was a heart wrenching time, but the fact was I was still carrying another baby. That little guy was born quite healthy at 9 lbs and 2 oz!

Life took some twists and turns and in 2004, I found myself happily remarried at thirty-eight years of age.  Within the first year of marriage we were trying to conceive. I knew we were crazy because my sweet husband was a cancer survivor, and I was what the medical field called, advanced maternal age.  Our chances of conceiving were very slim, but he was such a great step-dad and I wanted to honor him with a blessing of his own.

We found ourselves pregnant quite quickly, but this first pregnancy resulted in a very early miscarriage. InfertilityCCMBI was in shock.  The emotions tore through me like a raging storm. I found it unacceptable that my body had failed us. I told myself it was a fluke. So we tried again and low and behold, success.  There were many complications with this pregnancy, even up to the delivery when he arrived 3 weeks early due to a placental abruption.  To the very end, we almost lost him.  He was so sweet and tiny at 6 lbs 13 oz….my smallest baby yet.

By this point I’m sure you’re wondering, ‘where does the secondary infertility come in?’ Well, it came in right about the time our son was 11 months old.  After a thorough discussion with the doctor, we decided to try again. We wanted another little someone in our family for our son to grow up with. Little did we know that while sometimes our hearts can be all in, our bodies will still say no.

Our journey through secondary infertility was very long and very trying. I took my temperature every morning, setting my alarm clock so as not to miss one day. I took ovulation tests over and over monitoring every single sign. I bought pregnancy tests one after the other praying for the famous pink or blue line. We tried clomid and had sonogram monitoring.  It was emotionally and mentally exhausting. If you’ve been down this road then you know what I’m talking about.

Even with all the technology and tools at hand, we suffered miscarriage after miscarriage.  Our doctor confirmed some of them and some were gone before I was brave enough to call him yet again and ask to be checked. Most were early miscarriages.  My body just couldn’t seem to hold onto the baby beans.  One in particular was very difficult.  We had a heart beat and a fetal pole.  Everything looked promising.  But, on May 10, 2007, just three days before Mother’s Day, I had a terrifying miscarriage at home with full blown labor.  I was literally moments away from rushing to the ER when suddenly it was over.

All total, we tried for over four years. I would take a break here and there, but it never really left my thoughts.  Finally one day I decided I was done. I couldn’t stand the roller coaster ride another minute.

We didn’t end up with a younger sibling for our little man, and I’ve had to be okay with that. When it was too late, I learned I was progesterone deficient.  By that time I had moved beyond the crazy process.  It’s was an obsession that took over my life and I was glad it was gone.  My peace did not come quickly though. It came gradually, over time, with each hug from my sweet baby boy as he wrapped his tiny arms around me and said, “you’re the best mama ever.” Every time I received a call, text, card, etc, from one of my older children, it was a salve to my saddened heart.  With it came the realization that I did indeed have enough.  My family was complete in every sense of the word.  I no longer wanted to miss out on sweet moments that were right in front of me while staring off in the distance at some seemingly impossible dream. I was beyond blessed.  I chose to live a joyful life.

Have you journeyed through secondary infertility?  What helped you to get through?  Do you have a success story to share?  I would love for you to share your story with me.

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, we are dedicated to raising awareness and educating our community about the varying types of infertility and the many options available. Our hope is that this series opens, provides inspiration, and moves us all to a deeper sense of compassion. So, please join us as real local moms open up and share their stories all throughout the week.

Read more Infertility Awareness stories and perspectives from Corpus Christi area moms.

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Pam
Pam is a city-girl gone country thanks to her best friend and husband of thirteen years, Johnny. Together, the couple has one son, Caleb {2005.} Pam has four adult children who have blessed her with seven precious grandchildren and the title of Meme’. As you can imagine, she has run the gamut in parenting! Pam has a barn full of chickens, rabbits, and donkeys. Some of her favorites are quality time with Jesus, learning to play golf to keep up with her husband and son, writing when time allows, and, of course, taking care of life on their small ranch. Except for snakes, scorpions, and spiders... her 'cup runneth over.'

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