Infertility isn’t exactly what I would call ‘table talk’. It’s a deeply personal issue of those it affects. Should the topic come up, a lot of people would probably like to change the subject as quickly as possible. They might have specific reasons, but realize no two cases of infertility are the same.
Once I learned that I wasn’t alone, that I belonged to a global group of people that do understand my pain, I almost felt… liberated.
And when my journey finally came back full circle, I realized that I had grown from this nightmare. The first thing I’d like to mention, that I experienced first-hand, is that emotions change quickly. Someone struggling with infertility will be on a roller coaster ride, complete with ups, downs, corkscrews, sudden drops, loop-the-loops, and even some screeching halts thrown in for good measure. Within my own journey I like to say I have been through separate emotional stages. We’ve heard of the seven stages of grief, and I’m pretty sure I experienced them myself. But that final stage, when it comes to infertility, is hardly any sort of real ‘ending’.
Stage One: “The Mad Hatter in Wonderland”
After realizing I couldn’t naturally have kids, I just completely broke down. Depression and every negative emotion was playing tug-o-war in my brain. If I could not have a family what was the point of anything at all? I wanted to give up on my marriage, family and even my own life. Plus, the medications that I was told would increase the chances of conception were horrible. Months later we found that none of the things I was doing had any chance of working due to my actual condition. In the end there were no positive results. So just make sure you ask your doctor about all of the different ways your body might have problems reproducing and narrow down the possibilities carefully.
Stage Two: “Over The Rainbow!”
I knew that I could actually get pregnant, but only through the process of In Vitro Fertilization, or IVF. Yet, when you do IVF you have to take some scary medications. It was like I had every color of the rainbow in some type of medication or injection for weeks on end. Injection sites bruised, my body ached, I had some pregnancy symptoms, and my husband probably thought I hated him. I kept focused on the positive and eventually got to take the pee test that was to change my life forever.
Stage Three: “Angels Waiting”
We lost four out of the five good embryos we had at the end of our first round of IVF. When I completed the round, there was only one baby miracle. During the pregnancy I felt like myself again and even began feeling better than I thought possible. I decided that I wanted to help whoever I could that was struggling with infertility too. I felt this connection that I was meant to be a voice and someone to share, listen, and advise others in their own marathon journeys.
I feel like those four lost embryos became my guardian angels, smiling down at me because I survived the darkness and overcame so much.
Stage Four: “Hocus Pocus”
It was just magic. I finally got this little family and am filled with hope and love. Looking back, it seems such a short time. Yet, even when you get everything there is still pain you have to balance. The knowledge that I can never have a child on my own still bothers me. Even to this day I feel somewhat ticked off from time to time. Yet, I know I was lucky to have such a journey and support team.
This journey changed me in many ways. The bad and definitely ugly person who was so angry was a part of me that will never be forgotten. However, the more complete person I am now is who I was meant to be. I may be infertile because of my physical condition, but my journey made me a stronger person who always fights and never gives up. I am a person who doesn’t like the word “no,” and because of that, I am surviving every day. The light is brighter because I did everything in my power to make it happen.
Team Friedeck supporting Footsteps for Fertility in San Antonio, Texas, (2014)
In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, we are dedicated to raising awareness and educating our community about the varying types of infertility and the many options available. Our hope is that this series opens, provides inspiration, and moves us all to a deeper sense of compassion. So, please join us as real local moms open up and share their stories all throughout the week.
Read more Infertility Awareness stories and perspectives from Corpus Christi area moms.
What a miracle story! Thank you for being bold and sharing!
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